Mental Meanderings on Authenticity: rooftop of party from other day
Hoards of college students were gathered on this rooftop. I was already on edge, the combination of my social anxiety and finals stress pushing me to bite my nails down to their beds and fiddle awkwardly with my dress.
This party was not a friendly party, my roommate and I had walked into the apartment the floor below and said hello with no responses from a room full of people.
As I walked up the stairs onto the roof, I noticed that cliques had already formed. Welling in my stomach was the knowledge that I would have to superficially interact with the majority of the people here in hopes of finding an authentic human connection. Tired, and nervous, I decided instead to sit in the corner of the roof on the floor.
Slowly over the next hour people trickled in whom i recognized, and planted their bodies next to mine. We talked, curious how everyones final projects and lives were going. This was the interaction I wanted, the interaction I craved. To my left my roommate and friend sat discussing why rent is a mechanism of social control, in my right a passionate argument about a recent film began.
But as the party continued strangers begin to trickle over, intrigued by the impassioned conversation and strange subject matter.
When they come over, the conversation shifts. No longer are those obscure topics safe, instead party goers are now preoccupied by bullshit topics like majors, hometowns, and apartment locations.
I am preoccupied by the idea of authentic human interaction. These situations sometimes make me think connections facilitated by more than common interest are rarer and rarer to find, and that sometimes it feels safer to be within ones own mind that mindlessly trudge through the bullshit that is small talk.
-- K